How to Profile Passengers on Your Southwest Flight

somewhere along the ABQ-LAS flight path

i've been flying on Southwest Airlines (SWA) since the '00's, when it was the scrappy upstart airline and i could buy a ticket home from Chicago for a sweet $39. These days, SWA is known for its entertaining flight attendants (they sing or tell jokes, depending on who you get), low(ish) fares, and its infamous open seating policy. 

For those of you who either refuse to fly or use your own private jets, open seating means you are not assigned a designated seat when you buy your ticket. Instead, you are placed in groups with the other passengers based on when you check in. You then board with your group and choose your seat from any seat in the cabin that is still available when you enter the plane. Basically, it's no different than boarding a bus or train.

Over the years, i've advanced beyond basic window vs. aisle questions (window to snap photos or sleep, aisle for frequent bathroom access) to a list of rules that helps me decide who i'll sit with by making snap judgments about people based solely on their appearances. In other words, i profile the other passengers in hopes of securing myself my ideal flight experience: quiet (noise level) and undisturbed (by other passengers). The following are my rules. I even made an acronym out of them: W.A.L.K. (Women, Activity, Layers, Kids). If you board these flights hoping to find your new best friend/soul mate, do the exact opposite of what i say here.

somewhere along OAK-ABQ flight path

1. Sit with WOMEN. No need for entitled masculine energy clouding my trip. In my experience, men are more likely to push jovial small talk on me (are they bored or do they just really love the sound of their voices?) Their bodies invade my already cramped space, elbows spilling over my arm rest, knees spreading wide as if repelled by each other. If you do have to sit with men, try to follow Rule #2.

2. Look for someone who's brought a long-term ACTIVITY: books good, magazines/newspapers bad. Inflight magazine/Skymall, extra bad- they're desperate for entertainment. Choose someone already plugged in- headphones, tablet, e-reader, other electronic gadget- they're not interested in chit chat. Portable battery pack- jackpot!

3. Consider smells, like body odor and foods. People dressed in LAYERS are your best bet for covering up B.O. Men in tank tops are the worst. Avoid passengers with fast food bags or large drinks that can spill all over everything (remember when plane seats had cupholders?).

4. Stay away from KIDS. (I say this with a heart full of love and compassion for my friends with kids. You are all wonderful parents, and when your kids act up on the airplane, it is not an indication of the quality of your parenting.) Give yourself at least a couple rows of distance from small kids; kids sitting behind you kick your seat, and kids in front of you can be squirmy, jostling your tray table or knocking their seat back into your head as you bend down to get something from your bag. Multiple kids in the same row often fight or whine. Bless their little hearts. On flights, i prefer babies to kids- there's a good chance they'll fall asleep and be a quiet lump for most of the flight.